Inside The Mind Of A Writer

Last night was texting back and forth with Trisha and essentially she admitted that she never really let me in because she has never done so either because all those people in her life have let her down in a big way. So in reality it didn't matter what I did in the long run once we started getting close like she did she was going to freak. With that said she did freak in fact broke it off with me and furthermore with that said began to try to distance herself from me as well...saying hurtful things etc. But what I think she is not quite used to is the idea that I am not going away?!?!? Hell I could just throw in the towel and move on. God only knows that would make all of this stuff alot easier. I wouldn't be questioning my instincts so much and whether what I am feeling inside is genuine. Were going to do the birthday thing together because she wants to, second of all i asked her if she just wanted to skip my brother's wedding and she didn't really give a definite ye...

Today talked to Jodi (a girl I have liked off and on for alot of years she popped on facebook randomly). Instantly all the mental tiredness seemed to seep out of me as my heart fluttered revived and anew. A while back I spoke about making that move to Canada because in reality that is probably the only way this could solidly work because that is where she lives unless I actually just traveled back and forth But another realization something I don't want to admit at all to myself. Is that as frustrated as I am with Trisha's indecisiveness the fact that I am not willing to really take those extra steps to boot her from my life fully screams loud and clear that apart of me still really likes her alot. Deep down I wish i had a time machine and could turn back the clock and go back and give this a whirl see if there is really something to us. Because at 4 months it feels like we were just getting started....its hard though because part of me also wants to exchange our stuff and sh...

Good morning everyone. As many of you know I am truly working to move forward. Second of all trying to keep things civil. Last night though may have been the straw that broke the camels back though. That straw being when I was gathering her things together. I came across a pocket watch that she gave me as a gift on Christmas because it looked antiqueish with the words, "Chris i wanted to get a more meaningful gift for you..." Its funny how you think you have moved on. Your doing fine and i was putting everything together but when i found that watch it was just a painful reminder of a relationship that never will be. A solid reminder of the four seemingly happiest months of my life in a good long while actually. So yes I wanted to give it back to her but she essentially first called me a dick! Not listening to my reasoning at all for wanting to do so that it hurt. When i called back she told me fuck you!?!!!??? Damn what on god's green earth do you say to that? I was d...

Since my last post essentially spoke to Trisha and she said, "I am not sexually attracted to you" (that was like a major kablam) and furthermore apparently she has been spending more and more time with this guy named Ben (she says she is liking him) but at the same time she says she is going to take her time and move along slowly At the end of the day of all of this! I want to be able to say I am fairing oh so well. But in all honesty I am miserable to a T. In reality what I would like is that we can stick together and make it work. Because there is still an insane part of me that screams huh we had something strong for a good four months to be exact and it can't just die like this?!!!???? As it currently stands I am going to make an honest to god effort to really move forward. Really keep my chin up. Really better myself as a person within the next couple of months. Focus on my writing, working out, spending time with friends, taking more pictures overall with an inv...

Proud to announce I survived that dreaded day April 22nd ala what would have been Trisha and my 5 month anniversary. First thing after my Anthropology class got out it was off to the Zoo with my best friend Charley whom thank god was free to go because frankly I really didn't want to just go by myself. We spent about two hours all told at the Zoo and overall had an awesome time with quite a few pictures taken Then it was back to school to tackle the evils of math! Then home for me! Last night I hung out with my friend Chris Carpenter and Travis Allred. We all first went to a coffee house and met up with two of our friends whom weren't going to Montego Bay later on. From there it was off to the bar. Overall I think we all had alot of fun and amazingly I had a great time considering the circumstances of things Oddly enough Trisha and I texted quite a bit last night back and forth to one another. She still doesn't quite know what she wants with things and the wait is killi...

So since yesterday alot of emotions swirled around and are still swirling around as we speak. Essentially Trish and I had a normal conversation (we talked, we laughed, and we joked and even exchanged text pics) yesterday than came the one that night in which I asked her to come stay at my place on Friday night. When she told me she did not want to. I pursued it like a wild animal wanting to get the meat of it. Hell at the time I didn't truly even understand why but now I do though. Deep down through all of this confusion and not knowing I have come to realize that deep down I somewhere along the line fell out of love with Trisha. For me admitting this is the hardest thing but its true though. Do I still care alot about her? Do I still like her? The answer to both of those questions are yes without a doubt I do that is why this is so damn hard to admit for me. Long ago I accepted the reality that not many people read this and that is fine. Maybe someday somebody will stumble upon ...

This week. This time apart from Trisha. The battle to save things so to speak. I thought would be easier than this but as my best friend Randy put it to me, "Chris she obviously needs to figure out alot of things. So in all honesty it will take alot of time. With that time you'll start doubting yourself and the potential for a relationship as a whole" which as I have found this week he is dead on Its nuts the things you'll agree to when it truly comes to a woman whom you love with every single particle of your being and more. I agreed to an Open Relationship. But the first aspect of that I told her is that her and I must be solid though. Otherwise from what i read and all the research I did not last night but the night before last was spent researching and reading and understanding what I would potentially be getting myself into things will not work. The more I read and the more I learned I am actually leaning towards an Okay. Which for me I thought hell would fre...

Honestly I don't think anyone out there reads this. So more or less this is just clearing my thoughts. But than again as i put it to a friend last week, "I am nowhere near interesting enough for people to have a crazy desire to follow what is going on in my life" As of late this has probably felt like a kind of relationship soap opera lol Which I am just waiting for the comment from somebody out there that says man up or some kind of shit. Believe me I am trying but as far as I go i have always been the emotional one. I believe it comes with being so creative and so open and honest. Even further so I think I have become so honest that I literally just throw it all out there Because in the past I have no doubt screwed up relationships because in my mind lying about something mini or tiny sometimes is better than not lying at all. Its come back to bite me in the ass. So essentially with me its full disclosure or nothing at all. Tonight I think I realized even more so ...

Finally had some closure of sorts with Trisha. I am glad it wasn't a brutal break up. Essentially were going back to the basics more or less. As in doing the pre dating because currently I am thinking possibly we moved things along way too quickly now. That's the only clear rhyme or reason that I can find for all of this. Deep down I know that I still do love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. She told me, "Chris it probably will take time...I don't want you to hold yourself back or change for me". In all honesty I'd change for her in a heart beat. Its called taking small baby steps in some direction for one another. As a couple you reach out to one another. Furthermore than you communicate like crazy and figure out what bothers you about what the other person does and than you work forward from there. Another point she brought up is that she feels restricted. Understandably so she is just turning 20 years old and really wants to ...

Catharsis is a term in  dramatic art  that describes the "emotional cleansing" sometimes depicted in a play as occurring for one or more of its characters, as well as the same phenomenon as (an intended) part of the audience’s experience. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Catharsis --------------------- Catharsis  Essence of purging  All those emotions  Through a story that isn't your own  A play of expertly written play wright  You laugh  You cry  You feel fear  A real cycle of a true play watcher  At the end  Wine is sipped  Odd spinach/b roccoli cheese wraps Each of them hastily devoured As if they are made for super heroes with a super power built in Actors come out Ooo ahhhhh That man's alive That woman didn't really do the deed Minor sigh...

As of late I have not written a new blog for quite a while because I have been incredibly busy with school. But here goes nothing. Woke up this morning right at five o'clock more or less on the dot! Bam hello your wide awake time to start your day (ala I was not going back to sleep). Currently I have no clue what is going to come of Trisha and I but essentially she broke things off yesterday. You know I guess I should celebrate the fact that it wasn't one of those brutal break ups or anything like that. Of course I have a few thoughts as to why things ended? Saying it ended makes it sound like I am talking about a movie or a book or something like that. Just feels quite generic. But the surreality of it all I think is still too me very much like a kind of book of sorts No doubt many out there in internet land or even on this site know what the picking up the pieces experience is like. At the end of a break up even if that person says it wasn't your fault you can't h...

Happiness Is A Real Thing  --------------------------------- Happiness  Its not just something sought after  Its not just something you'll find in a self help book  Its real as can be you just have to be willing to open your eyes  See it and take it because hell as much pain as you've suffered you deserve it  For me evidence of that happiness  Is the girl whom looks at me with eyes only for me  Wraps her arms around me and holds me when I am feeling lost  Tells me she loves me and means it fully and completely  Knows just what to say to make me laugh and smile  Looks at me with my flaws and sees perfection  Happiness  Its not just something sought after  Its not just something you'll find in a self help book  Its real as can be you just have to be willing to open your eyes  See it and take it because hell as much pain as you've suffered you deserve it  Can I tell you how to find it?  No, I'd sa...

The headline above was just to grab your attention. Which I assume if your reading this either you are one of my friends and I asked you to check it out or your a random stranger whom stumbled onto it. Either way I am going to thank you for taking your time to read it and furthermore hope you enjoy reading it as well  As my profile says my name is Christopher Scott I am a close to graduating college student from Boise State whom as the blog title says this is inside the mind of a writer. Currently I am not a published author so this is more or less shall I say inside the mind of someone that wants down the road eventually to be published. As it stands I write a mix of poetry and stories. The larger novel I am working on is more or less on the back burner while i seriously focus on school. But I am constantly whenever I get the chance to writing poetry and in fact usually carry around two black composition notebooks one for poetry and one for a random journal i started writing (hel...