Inside The Mind Of A Writer

Readers, Hey everyone I hope all is going great in your world's. On my end, right now I am sitting here listening to the newest Katy Perry album which is really solid, she is incredibly talented. Since writing my previous post about my father's cancer and feeling helpless I have an update of sorts on things. So it looks like the cancer is 100 % treatable which is great and more than likely he will be going to the Mayo Clinic where they have apparently the best surgeon in the country for pancreatic and liver surgery (which are apparently incredibly specialized). So, he will be in great hands when he does go its looking like at the beginning of November or so. The shittiest part of the whole deal, is that while, he will be getting the best care possible, I cannot afford to take off and go to Minnesota to support my mom. So there is some good news in there somewhere at least This past weekend, I went downtown Boise with my ex Trisha whom I previously talked about in past entri...

Readers, Hey everyone I hope all is going great in your world's. Last night I found out that at my dad's latest doctors visit they apparently found a spot of cancer on his liver. Apparently the success is 100 % but at the same time as much as its operable that little fucking bastard can also go elsewhere as well because its so tiny. One of the hardest things in my life I have gone through is being at the hospital and seeing my dad there unable to take care of himself. Because I don't give a shit how old he is he's always been that tough person no matter what has happened to anyone of us in the past! Getting my head shaved for fucking cancer this past year now feels pathetic because it doesn't make what my father has go away...I can't just take it away. I am grateful and surprised that the place I found comfort last night was in role-playing with an ex girlfriend slash really good friend Trisha. Yes, many of you know what I went through in the past but nevert...

Last night was texting back and forth with Trisha and essentially she admitted that she never really let me in because she has never done so either because all those people in her life have let her down in a big way. So in reality it didn't matter what I did in the long run once we started getting close like she did she was going to freak. With that said she did freak in fact broke it off with me and furthermore with that said began to try to distance herself from me as well...saying hurtful things etc. But what I think she is not quite used to is the idea that I am not going away?!?!? Hell I could just throw in the towel and move on. God only knows that would make all of this stuff alot easier. I wouldn't be questioning my instincts so much and whether what I am feeling inside is genuine. Were going to do the birthday thing together because she wants to, second of all i asked her if she just wanted to skip my brother's wedding and she didn't really give a definite ye...

Proud to announce I survived that dreaded day April 22nd ala what would have been Trisha and my 5 month anniversary. First thing after my Anthropology class got out it was off to the Zoo with my best friend Charley whom thank god was free to go because frankly I really didn't want to just go by myself. We spent about two hours all told at the Zoo and overall had an awesome time with quite a few pictures taken Then it was back to school to tackle the evils of math! Then home for me! Last night I hung out with my friend Chris Carpenter and Travis Allred. We all first went to a coffee house and met up with two of our friends whom weren't going to Montego Bay later on. From there it was off to the bar. Overall I think we all had alot of fun and amazingly I had a great time considering the circumstances of things Oddly enough Trisha and I texted quite a bit last night back and forth to one another. She still doesn't quite know what she wants with things and the wait is killi...

So since yesterday alot of emotions swirled around and are still swirling around as we speak. Essentially Trish and I had a normal conversation (we talked, we laughed, and we joked and even exchanged text pics) yesterday than came the one that night in which I asked her to come stay at my place on Friday night. When she told me she did not want to. I pursued it like a wild animal wanting to get the meat of it. Hell at the time I didn't truly even understand why but now I do though. Deep down through all of this confusion and not knowing I have come to realize that deep down I somewhere along the line fell out of love with Trisha. For me admitting this is the hardest thing but its true though. Do I still care alot about her? Do I still like her? The answer to both of those questions are yes without a doubt I do that is why this is so damn hard to admit for me. Long ago I accepted the reality that not many people read this and that is fine. Maybe someday somebody will stumble upon ...

Honestly I don't think anyone out there reads this. So more or less this is just clearing my thoughts. But than again as i put it to a friend last week, "I am nowhere near interesting enough for people to have a crazy desire to follow what is going on in my life" As of late this has probably felt like a kind of relationship soap opera lol Which I am just waiting for the comment from somebody out there that says man up or some kind of shit. Believe me I am trying but as far as I go i have always been the emotional one. I believe it comes with being so creative and so open and honest. Even further so I think I have become so honest that I literally just throw it all out there Because in the past I have no doubt screwed up relationships because in my mind lying about something mini or tiny sometimes is better than not lying at all. Its come back to bite me in the ass. So essentially with me its full disclosure or nothing at all. Tonight I think I realized even more so ...

Happiness Is A Real Thing  --------------------------------- Happiness  Its not just something sought after  Its not just something you'll find in a self help book  Its real as can be you just have to be willing to open your eyes  See it and take it because hell as much pain as you've suffered you deserve it  For me evidence of that happiness  Is the girl whom looks at me with eyes only for me  Wraps her arms around me and holds me when I am feeling lost  Tells me she loves me and means it fully and completely  Knows just what to say to make me laugh and smile  Looks at me with my flaws and sees perfection  Happiness  Its not just something sought after  Its not just something you'll find in a self help book  Its real as can be you just have to be willing to open your eyes  See it and take it because hell as much pain as you've suffered you deserve it  Can I tell you how to find it?  No, I'd sa...