Inside The Mind Of A Writer

Last night was texting back and forth with Trisha and essentially she admitted that she never really let me in because she has never done so either because all those people in her life have let her down in a big way. So in reality it didn't matter what I did in the long run once we started getting close like she did she was going to freak. With that said she did freak in fact broke it off with me and furthermore with that said began to try to distance herself from me as well...saying hurtful things etc. But what I think she is not quite used to is the idea that I am not going away?!?!? Hell I could just throw in the towel and move on. God only knows that would make all of this stuff alot easier. I wouldn't be questioning my instincts so much and whether what I am feeling inside is genuine. Were going to do the birthday thing together because she wants to, second of all i asked her if she just wanted to skip my brother's wedding and she didn't really give a definite ye...

Today talked to Jodi (a girl I have liked off and on for alot of years she popped on facebook randomly). Instantly all the mental tiredness seemed to seep out of me as my heart fluttered revived and anew. A while back I spoke about making that move to Canada because in reality that is probably the only way this could solidly work because that is where she lives unless I actually just traveled back and forth But another realization something I don't want to admit at all to myself. Is that as frustrated as I am with Trisha's indecisiveness the fact that I am not willing to really take those extra steps to boot her from my life fully screams loud and clear that apart of me still really likes her alot. Deep down I wish i had a time machine and could turn back the clock and go back and give this a whirl see if there is really something to us. Because at 4 months it feels like we were just getting started....its hard though because part of me also wants to exchange our stuff and sh...

Good morning everyone. As many of you know I am truly working to move forward. Second of all trying to keep things civil. Last night though may have been the straw that broke the camels back though. That straw being when I was gathering her things together. I came across a pocket watch that she gave me as a gift on Christmas because it looked antiqueish with the words, "Chris i wanted to get a more meaningful gift for you..." Its funny how you think you have moved on. Your doing fine and i was putting everything together but when i found that watch it was just a painful reminder of a relationship that never will be. A solid reminder of the four seemingly happiest months of my life in a good long while actually. So yes I wanted to give it back to her but she essentially first called me a dick! Not listening to my reasoning at all for wanting to do so that it hurt. When i called back she told me fuck you!?!!!??? Damn what on god's green earth do you say to that? I was d...

Since my last post essentially spoke to Trisha and she said, "I am not sexually attracted to you" (that was like a major kablam) and furthermore apparently she has been spending more and more time with this guy named Ben (she says she is liking him) but at the same time she says she is going to take her time and move along slowly At the end of the day of all of this! I want to be able to say I am fairing oh so well. But in all honesty I am miserable to a T. In reality what I would like is that we can stick together and make it work. Because there is still an insane part of me that screams huh we had something strong for a good four months to be exact and it can't just die like this?!!!???? As it currently stands I am going to make an honest to god effort to really move forward. Really keep my chin up. Really better myself as a person within the next couple of months. Focus on my writing, working out, spending time with friends, taking more pictures overall with an inv...

Proud to announce I survived that dreaded day April 22nd ala what would have been Trisha and my 5 month anniversary. First thing after my Anthropology class got out it was off to the Zoo with my best friend Charley whom thank god was free to go because frankly I really didn't want to just go by myself. We spent about two hours all told at the Zoo and overall had an awesome time with quite a few pictures taken Then it was back to school to tackle the evils of math! Then home for me! Last night I hung out with my friend Chris Carpenter and Travis Allred. We all first went to a coffee house and met up with two of our friends whom weren't going to Montego Bay later on. From there it was off to the bar. Overall I think we all had alot of fun and amazingly I had a great time considering the circumstances of things Oddly enough Trisha and I texted quite a bit last night back and forth to one another. She still doesn't quite know what she wants with things and the wait is killi...

So since yesterday alot of emotions swirled around and are still swirling around as we speak. Essentially Trish and I had a normal conversation (we talked, we laughed, and we joked and even exchanged text pics) yesterday than came the one that night in which I asked her to come stay at my place on Friday night. When she told me she did not want to. I pursued it like a wild animal wanting to get the meat of it. Hell at the time I didn't truly even understand why but now I do though. Deep down through all of this confusion and not knowing I have come to realize that deep down I somewhere along the line fell out of love with Trisha. For me admitting this is the hardest thing but its true though. Do I still care alot about her? Do I still like her? The answer to both of those questions are yes without a doubt I do that is why this is so damn hard to admit for me. Long ago I accepted the reality that not many people read this and that is fine. Maybe someday somebody will stumble upon ...

This week. This time apart from Trisha. The battle to save things so to speak. I thought would be easier than this but as my best friend Randy put it to me, "Chris she obviously needs to figure out alot of things. So in all honesty it will take alot of time. With that time you'll start doubting yourself and the potential for a relationship as a whole" which as I have found this week he is dead on Its nuts the things you'll agree to when it truly comes to a woman whom you love with every single particle of your being and more. I agreed to an Open Relationship. But the first aspect of that I told her is that her and I must be solid though. Otherwise from what i read and all the research I did not last night but the night before last was spent researching and reading and understanding what I would potentially be getting myself into things will not work. The more I read and the more I learned I am actually leaning towards an Okay. Which for me I thought hell would fre...