Readers,
Hey everyone I hope all is going great in you're world's. I know in the past i've spoken about my tense relationship with my father and the fact that yes I love him but sometimes it is difficult being his son though; hell I know he loves me and just wants me too be successful and he has cracked down because in the past my history given the opportunity I'd much rather play than be serious about school. So now all that known recently I started Thanksgiving break which usually would be a break from school a week of relaxation and just clearing one's head from school and of course nevertheless doing some school work because school doesn't just stop entirely in fact when particular teachers decide to have tests right after the break ie. my stats teacher as soon as we get back its test mode.
But its different though right now having bombed my first stats test going into this break and struggling in my math class but not doing horrible its been full on study study study. My dad has continuously made it clear where he stands, "Chris your just screwing up! Your not serious at all about anything. You are hitting those books and doing nothing else". For me there was a certain kind of high in seeing the new James Bond movie but that high has vanished nevertheless it was a damned good movie but now I am wishing I had skipped it and just hit the books instead of doing anything and just maybe it would have lessened the jail mentality like choosing too do school work instead of going to see a movie was a test. A failed test nevertheless because it gets getting repeated that same mantra, "You screwed up! You don't deserve too do a thing"
Hell this may come across as a kind of poor me but its not nor is it a fucking cry for help either its just me clearing my head and trying to cling too some bit of sanity while I am truly starting too feel like I am not on break but in prison. Its funny when work, yes work is a reprieve, something I look forward too now because it just for a moment helps me forget that I dropped the ball and am being punished for it. I realize this whole punishment thing is of my own doing its because I bombed my first test, I did that too myself nobody else out there. I turn 28 years old on November the 28th which looking at a calender that is next week too be exact. My dad last night said that the only way I am doing anything on my birthday is if I seriously crack down and stick to this and that means no bullshitting that means just studying and putting my nose to the grindstone. Its funny he he how you realize you were looking forward too something so much that when it hangs in the balance you feel like someone jerked the chair out from under you and you are dangling there from the rope as it closes tighter around your throat.
Right now I am phoneless as well and for those of you reading this you are probably thinking good god Chris you are how old? To those of you saying stick up to him stick it to the man you don't understand a damn thing; end of story. Its a complicated relationship I have with my father and the hardest thing is I love him very much but sometimes like now I feel like he doesn't love me at all. My dad says he loves me but when he cracks down so much when he reminds me so much of how badly I fucked up it feels like my dad truly doesn't love me and that he wishes he had himself another kid. These are the sorts of thoughts that pay inside my head these days and its now 7:57 am and I am going too get off of here and get back to hitting the books. Unfourtantly I don't work at all this week until Friday at 2 pm and I work till 11:30 pm and I am looking forward too it and I also work the following day the same shift so those will be a nice break for my sanity somewhat.
I started this blog at the top of the world in a solid relationship those that stuck with me read about my struggles with depression and than you read about my climb from the pit back up too the surface. In that very same fashion I write openly and honestly about what is going on inside my head in hopes that some of you are going through the same thing out there and are finding it hard to breathe or think that god the easy way would be better than dealing with this shit. The easy way is no easy way at all stick it out and remember there is somebody else out there struggling you are not alone. For those of you just tuning in that is where the open honesty comes from.
Thanksgiving is on its way and prior to it I will write a blog dedicated to a list of the 100 reasons I am thankful this coming turkey day. We shall see its a challenge I am willing to accept. For now I am off hope you have a great thanksgiving. I'll catch ya on the flip side
Hey everyone I hope all is going great in you're world's. I know in the past i've spoken about my tense relationship with my father and the fact that yes I love him but sometimes it is difficult being his son though; hell I know he loves me and just wants me too be successful and he has cracked down because in the past my history given the opportunity I'd much rather play than be serious about school. So now all that known recently I started Thanksgiving break which usually would be a break from school a week of relaxation and just clearing one's head from school and of course nevertheless doing some school work because school doesn't just stop entirely in fact when particular teachers decide to have tests right after the break ie. my stats teacher as soon as we get back its test mode.
But its different though right now having bombed my first stats test going into this break and struggling in my math class but not doing horrible its been full on study study study. My dad has continuously made it clear where he stands, "Chris your just screwing up! Your not serious at all about anything. You are hitting those books and doing nothing else". For me there was a certain kind of high in seeing the new James Bond movie but that high has vanished nevertheless it was a damned good movie but now I am wishing I had skipped it and just hit the books instead of doing anything and just maybe it would have lessened the jail mentality like choosing too do school work instead of going to see a movie was a test. A failed test nevertheless because it gets getting repeated that same mantra, "You screwed up! You don't deserve too do a thing"
Hell this may come across as a kind of poor me but its not nor is it a fucking cry for help either its just me clearing my head and trying to cling too some bit of sanity while I am truly starting too feel like I am not on break but in prison. Its funny when work, yes work is a reprieve, something I look forward too now because it just for a moment helps me forget that I dropped the ball and am being punished for it. I realize this whole punishment thing is of my own doing its because I bombed my first test, I did that too myself nobody else out there. I turn 28 years old on November the 28th which looking at a calender that is next week too be exact. My dad last night said that the only way I am doing anything on my birthday is if I seriously crack down and stick to this and that means no bullshitting that means just studying and putting my nose to the grindstone. Its funny he he how you realize you were looking forward too something so much that when it hangs in the balance you feel like someone jerked the chair out from under you and you are dangling there from the rope as it closes tighter around your throat.
Right now I am phoneless as well and for those of you reading this you are probably thinking good god Chris you are how old? To those of you saying stick up to him stick it to the man you don't understand a damn thing; end of story. Its a complicated relationship I have with my father and the hardest thing is I love him very much but sometimes like now I feel like he doesn't love me at all. My dad says he loves me but when he cracks down so much when he reminds me so much of how badly I fucked up it feels like my dad truly doesn't love me and that he wishes he had himself another kid. These are the sorts of thoughts that pay inside my head these days and its now 7:57 am and I am going too get off of here and get back to hitting the books. Unfourtantly I don't work at all this week until Friday at 2 pm and I work till 11:30 pm and I am looking forward too it and I also work the following day the same shift so those will be a nice break for my sanity somewhat.
I started this blog at the top of the world in a solid relationship those that stuck with me read about my struggles with depression and than you read about my climb from the pit back up too the surface. In that very same fashion I write openly and honestly about what is going on inside my head in hopes that some of you are going through the same thing out there and are finding it hard to breathe or think that god the easy way would be better than dealing with this shit. The easy way is no easy way at all stick it out and remember there is somebody else out there struggling you are not alone. For those of you just tuning in that is where the open honesty comes from.
Thanksgiving is on its way and prior to it I will write a blog dedicated to a list of the 100 reasons I am thankful this coming turkey day. We shall see its a challenge I am willing to accept. For now I am off hope you have a great thanksgiving. I'll catch ya on the flip side
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