Readers,
Hey everyone I hope all is going great with you. Last night, I was cuddled up with my girlfriend Ruth and we're almost off to dreamland. When it surfaced. I'd personally dealt with it, or at least I thought I had. Hell I went through it and put away inside a box. My brother mike was home what else was there for me to worry about. I hope to hell he is going to get better. Because there is apart of me that wishes I could go back to a few days ago. My brother Mike and I took an trip to Mcall this past weekend and we're supposed to go get some work done on the cabin. The stairs are starting to fall apart so my brothers went up previously and took them apart. Hell we listened to some older The Offspring and even stopped for some pizza at the toll station pizza place and everything was going great! That's the thing, reality is an fucking bitch, reality is chaos is just around the corner. This chaos came in my brother trying to move the trailer filled with lumber and other tools himself and me being just out of reach. By the time I stepped towards it, that goddamned trailer was a rolling monster from hell. My brother couldn't control it and he was pinned against the car. The whole thing felt imagined but then there I was calling 911. Then I was riding in the ambulance to the hospital to be with my brother mike.
The small mcall hospital checked him out and other than an potentially cracked rib he was a okay. They gave him some pain meds and we're released. The following morning he awoke in even more pain this one on the other side. So it was back to that hospital again. Sticking us back inside that same damned room we were in previously...they finally got to us...checked him over and did an x-ray and they couldn't find anything seriously wrong with him. My folks came up to Mcall and grabbed one of the cars and we're gone back home to Boise. Within a short time of being back home, he complained of more pain and he was rushed to the hospital. Having more technology they scanned his ribs and it turns out he had cracked five of those ribs and it excelled from there....I've been so damned busy on my end and there is a part of me that screams, "It should have been me. I should have pushed him out of the goddamn way and been pinned...should have grabbed on and held tight...fuck the fucking consequences!"
In hindsight, 20/20 says that is insane. But there is that little part of me that feels overwhelmingly guilty for not doing more, for not standing in in his place. Hell I don't know what I could have done really to change things. Because reality is me being hurt seriously wouldn't have helped a goddamn thing. Just wish he'd get better. Just wish he wasn't hurting. Just wish I could heal his ribs with a wave of my hand and mutter some magical harry potter incantation. The title is fitting this is clearing the fucking gunk from my brain. Last night was a lot worse I literally broke down and sobbed but I feel so grateful though. Ruth didn't turn away from me instead she held me and ran a hand through my hair and just listened to me. Ultimately I felt cleansed slightly and felt better and pretty much slipped into a dead sleep (I love her so so much. I know I said that before. But in times like this when she sees me at my worst and still loves me for everything that I am...makes me truly feel incredible, so thank you Ruth).
Yes, I will go visit my brother in the hospital tomorrow, I don't work so I plan to go see him during visiting hours. Time to stop hiding inside myself. I need to do it to show him support. The thoughts expressed previously are clearly fucked. I couldn't have foreseen the future. The one thing I can do is pray for him and ask you to do the same. Thanks in advance of those that do do that. Mm and thank you for those that stuck through reading this whole entry. Its not a fun and easy entry but this needed to be written. This is a place for me to truly clear out all the shit from my head.
Now that the gunk has been cleared out of my head, onto other real life stuff. On my end, I am excited coming up is Boise music fest and I for sure have the day off and so does Ruth. Idk who all else is going but nevertheless it should be a ton of fun. A few days ago, I got back out there and shot some photographs (need to find the time to go through those). I went and shot the eagle Idaho rodeo and that was a really fun experience and I had forgotten to a degree the amazing feeling of shooting photographs. Well I am going to close this up get some math done, eat breakfast with Ruth, prepare for my podcast and ultimately go to work tonight
Catch ya on the flip side
ps: I am looking forward to July 1st for the new Seether album
Hey everyone I hope all is going great with you. Last night, I was cuddled up with my girlfriend Ruth and we're almost off to dreamland. When it surfaced. I'd personally dealt with it, or at least I thought I had. Hell I went through it and put away inside a box. My brother mike was home what else was there for me to worry about. I hope to hell he is going to get better. Because there is apart of me that wishes I could go back to a few days ago. My brother Mike and I took an trip to Mcall this past weekend and we're supposed to go get some work done on the cabin. The stairs are starting to fall apart so my brothers went up previously and took them apart. Hell we listened to some older The Offspring and even stopped for some pizza at the toll station pizza place and everything was going great! That's the thing, reality is an fucking bitch, reality is chaos is just around the corner. This chaos came in my brother trying to move the trailer filled with lumber and other tools himself and me being just out of reach. By the time I stepped towards it, that goddamned trailer was a rolling monster from hell. My brother couldn't control it and he was pinned against the car. The whole thing felt imagined but then there I was calling 911. Then I was riding in the ambulance to the hospital to be with my brother mike.
The small mcall hospital checked him out and other than an potentially cracked rib he was a okay. They gave him some pain meds and we're released. The following morning he awoke in even more pain this one on the other side. So it was back to that hospital again. Sticking us back inside that same damned room we were in previously...they finally got to us...checked him over and did an x-ray and they couldn't find anything seriously wrong with him. My folks came up to Mcall and grabbed one of the cars and we're gone back home to Boise. Within a short time of being back home, he complained of more pain and he was rushed to the hospital. Having more technology they scanned his ribs and it turns out he had cracked five of those ribs and it excelled from there....I've been so damned busy on my end and there is a part of me that screams, "It should have been me. I should have pushed him out of the goddamn way and been pinned...should have grabbed on and held tight...fuck the fucking consequences!"
In hindsight, 20/20 says that is insane. But there is that little part of me that feels overwhelmingly guilty for not doing more, for not standing in in his place. Hell I don't know what I could have done really to change things. Because reality is me being hurt seriously wouldn't have helped a goddamn thing. Just wish he'd get better. Just wish he wasn't hurting. Just wish I could heal his ribs with a wave of my hand and mutter some magical harry potter incantation. The title is fitting this is clearing the fucking gunk from my brain. Last night was a lot worse I literally broke down and sobbed but I feel so grateful though. Ruth didn't turn away from me instead she held me and ran a hand through my hair and just listened to me. Ultimately I felt cleansed slightly and felt better and pretty much slipped into a dead sleep (I love her so so much. I know I said that before. But in times like this when she sees me at my worst and still loves me for everything that I am...makes me truly feel incredible, so thank you Ruth).
Yes, I will go visit my brother in the hospital tomorrow, I don't work so I plan to go see him during visiting hours. Time to stop hiding inside myself. I need to do it to show him support. The thoughts expressed previously are clearly fucked. I couldn't have foreseen the future. The one thing I can do is pray for him and ask you to do the same. Thanks in advance of those that do do that. Mm and thank you for those that stuck through reading this whole entry. Its not a fun and easy entry but this needed to be written. This is a place for me to truly clear out all the shit from my head.
Now that the gunk has been cleared out of my head, onto other real life stuff. On my end, I am excited coming up is Boise music fest and I for sure have the day off and so does Ruth. Idk who all else is going but nevertheless it should be a ton of fun. A few days ago, I got back out there and shot some photographs (need to find the time to go through those). I went and shot the eagle Idaho rodeo and that was a really fun experience and I had forgotten to a degree the amazing feeling of shooting photographs. Well I am going to close this up get some math done, eat breakfast with Ruth, prepare for my podcast and ultimately go to work tonight
Catch ya on the flip side
ps: I am looking forward to July 1st for the new Seether album
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