Hey guys...so its all officially over! Kind of surreal still how it all ended. Considering for those that read this how much we did an exploring of whats inside my head. How I spoke of wanting to salvage things but ultimately I realized saving things had to be a two way street. It was either we both wanted to save things or it just wasn't going to work at all. Now mind you she said last night, "Chris i was going to have Friday's off...we could spend more time together and rekindle the spark if it exists..casually date"
For me though I realized in a big way if someone cares about you alot and they know you are going through hell and back for half a month and they tell you that is not there fault....even though breaking up with you was the cause of all that...that person doesn't apologize or anything etc that is somewhat the straw that broke the camels back in a huge way.
Before that it was learning the previous week that she had already hooked up with a friend and was fucking them. As she put it to me that didn't mean anything at all it was just friends with benefits. The fact is though in my mind sex does mean something though....for me what we had the sex....the everything was something very special. So that hurt like nobodies business and yes I was a sarcastic ass but for a purpose though but apparently she didn't hear it. In our relationship this is the same person who it felt like we were on the same brain wave and for her not to realize how much it hurt me?
If we had moved along as casually dating I know deep down that I would have always thought about what is Ben doing for her that I am not. What does he have to offer that i don't? The mere fact that they were together would have eaten me up inside and i'd have no doubt probably slipped into a never ending spiral of regret and doubt and everything in between. Because in my mind i'd have been thinking clearly I am not good enough for that that is why we are not doing that.
Of course now I have to move forward into the blue yonder. The odd thing is even with everything that has transgressed I feel so beaten down. So dead inside. Its like that being in that dark place since April 14th and after even that when i learned she was doing the dirty with someone else and considered going bye bye that night as well. Has literally sucked all my energy out of me. Mmm maybe that is how it all goes though at the end of a relationship where you literally loved that person with every ounce of your being and than that person just turned off completely
Oh there is no doubt I will always wonder what if and why and all that stuff. But at this point I am going to put those questions away in a big box and drop that box to the bottom of the deep ocean. With that I am off for now hope you enjoyed your stay inside my head. Now from here forward to really move forward in a big way. I don't know what the future will hold but i got a feeling it is very bright and full of opportunity
For me though I realized in a big way if someone cares about you alot and they know you are going through hell and back for half a month and they tell you that is not there fault....even though breaking up with you was the cause of all that...that person doesn't apologize or anything etc that is somewhat the straw that broke the camels back in a huge way.
Before that it was learning the previous week that she had already hooked up with a friend and was fucking them. As she put it to me that didn't mean anything at all it was just friends with benefits. The fact is though in my mind sex does mean something though....for me what we had the sex....the everything was something very special. So that hurt like nobodies business and yes I was a sarcastic ass but for a purpose though but apparently she didn't hear it. In our relationship this is the same person who it felt like we were on the same brain wave and for her not to realize how much it hurt me?
If we had moved along as casually dating I know deep down that I would have always thought about what is Ben doing for her that I am not. What does he have to offer that i don't? The mere fact that they were together would have eaten me up inside and i'd have no doubt probably slipped into a never ending spiral of regret and doubt and everything in between. Because in my mind i'd have been thinking clearly I am not good enough for that that is why we are not doing that.
Of course now I have to move forward into the blue yonder. The odd thing is even with everything that has transgressed I feel so beaten down. So dead inside. Its like that being in that dark place since April 14th and after even that when i learned she was doing the dirty with someone else and considered going bye bye that night as well. Has literally sucked all my energy out of me. Mmm maybe that is how it all goes though at the end of a relationship where you literally loved that person with every ounce of your being and than that person just turned off completely
Oh there is no doubt I will always wonder what if and why and all that stuff. But at this point I am going to put those questions away in a big box and drop that box to the bottom of the deep ocean. With that I am off for now hope you enjoyed your stay inside my head. Now from here forward to really move forward in a big way. I don't know what the future will hold but i got a feeling it is very bright and full of opportunity
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